new city, new big

for years, living in boston, i had a mr. big. i called him kid. he was the ultimate unavailable, unattainable man. he lived in NY, worked in LA, and i saw him in between. i often think how he became my big and what led to, at the height of his bigness, a never ending drive to win him.

first, i heard his big words. on a small little cassette tape, in a basement bedroom in a foreign land. he was the singer/songwriter/guitar player for a very underground NY band. it was like magic. he crafted words together in ways i never heard. a true artist in the aesthetic sense, his words went in me and swirled around inside of me, hitting certain parts of me and then settled.

next came his big voice. holding a cadence and tone, hard and breathless. you would've thought he was a taurus. i never saw his face. not until that first show and even then i wasn't sure, but there it was.

years later, thanks to technology, we met and the push and pull began. i'm not particularly proud of this time in my life. i can remember the endless runs around the river, for miles and miles, hyper-obssessing about his call, his no call, what he really meant, god what DID he mean? the endless memorization of scenes in my head of how it should be. the senseless time spent comparing kid to an actual man who wanted me and who ulitmately i pushed away because he just. didn't. match. up.

but it ended, ya know? and i realized that it wasn't kid who i was attracted to, but what he stood for and what his image was. and he receeded from the front of my consciousness. we keep in touch. he tells me i'll tear up this town and i'm not quite sure what that means, but i believe him because, well, because he's kid.

so, it's only fitting that i have a new big. oh. well, he's not as fantastic, and lauded, and worshipped by the indie masses. but he's definitely unavailable (tho he says "medium unavailable"...whatever that means), and unattainable and emotionally irresponsible. those boys, they're very good at giving you that hope, ya know? medium unavailable *snort* i'm sure medium unavailable in his head means, no not ever and in my head it means, yes maybe. but i had the drive to change his mind and the push and pull began. obssession is too stong a word for this, because he IS just a 37 year old man who is too afraid to jump when someone hands him a parachute he knows will work, so hyper-focusing might be the word to use. he brings out the best of my super hero alter-ego S.H.A.W. (Super Hyper Analytical Woman).

and i'm thinking, well why am i here again? its so debilitating sometimes, for me, to want something you can't have. so, i decided to end my suffering in the most unrealistic, counter-productive way. i won't go into details here, but, wow. its so liberating. he has been telling me for weeks what he wants (or doesn't want), laying it on the table, but it was in boy, and i don't speak boy. but last night, after being appalled at myself for dancing on the edges of being "that girl," the babelfish came alive inside my ear and those forever boy words were understandable. and then the allure was over. just like that.

...and then i got cancer. (just making sure you're still paying attention)