all the boys...

i've been noticing a trend within myself that is kinda disturbing. lately, i am more and more attracted to men in their 20's and then wheni see men in my own age group i'm like, eeew. what is this all about? it's scary AND creepy. and THAT is why i could never be a highschool teacher.

the other thing that i am also figuring out is, gosh...i'm really fucking picky. i've been thinking a lot about this lately since layne has joined the starting over cast. i mean, i haven't been engaged ever but, layne is picky just like me! her latest exercise was to go to a bar and start chatting up men (something she is uncomfortable with) and also, in additon to these men she is supposed to interact with, her Mr. Right was planted somewhere in the bar. he may embody all she wants as a pefect mate, but wasn't necessarily looking the part. so at one point, she engages him in converstaion and he hands her a card that says i'm Mr. Right and then he walks away and she just stands there and lets him go. she got yelled at for that by rhonda, her life coach. but anyways, my point is...because i have this criteria, how many times has mr. right been standing in front of me and i just let him walk away (or dumped him)?

i was also thinking about: when was it that i became so picky? i really wasn't in my 20's and that is evidenced by WHO i dated then. right now i am all, ohhh he needs to be tall, but in my 20's i never dated anyone over 6 feet. most of it is wrapped up in my own body image thing and i know that. the other part i blame on kid because he was the first guy ever who i sooo wanted but wasn't able to get and i feel like he colored all of my future wishes and wants (of course now i am just realizing that kid II was just history repeating itself...ugh *sniff*). and i think that, at both of those times, kid I & II were supposed to save me. at least that is how i am looking back at it, and they knew themselves that it wasn't their job. of course, in kid II's case, he kept asking me out and kinda tricked me into THINKING it was an actual relationship with possibilities, but whatever...that's not the point. heh.

so. picky. yeah. working on that and not really formulating any complete thoughts or realizations here. just recognizing that i need to take care of myself. of course it doesn't really help when i have dreams of me chasing someone and yelling: why don't you love me like i love you! uh...NICE...thanks sub-conscious for pointing that shit out.

in other news, i want to have a BBQ at my house. when should i have it? i want to have it asap! i have such a great backyard and want to spend time in it and i want people to share it with me! tell me when!