Neighborhood Poopers

I saw one! My first Neighborhood Pooper!

This morning as I was getting ready for the gym at the ungodly hour of 6am, I went to my front door to look for Ben. He had spent the night out last night and I wanted to get him inside for some breaksfast. At my front door, which has a giant glass panel, I saw a ton of people on the street for that early. In the gloom of just before dawn, a few men were wheeling their shopping carts in the street. Two other men were walking by on the sidewalk one in front of each other. The one in the back started to lag behind and I could see he was making those unmistakeable gestures of unbuckling his pants. He briefly looked around, approached the curb and stood in between two cars. I thought, ugh, is that guy gonna pee RIGHT IN THE STREET!?!

...and then he turned around, pushed his pants down and SQUATTED! Oh no he DINT!!!

I opened my door and thought that the noise of that would get his attention but it didn't. So now I was faced with having to say something. I mean. Apparently it IS an epidemic if the department of Public works is issuing posters about it. I stepped into the doorway and I used this sentence that I have been DYING to use ever since I read it on someone's blog (sorry I can't think of who!) and they used it on the subway with some young boys who were making graffitti. So I stepped into the doorway and said:

"Please don't!" **

The guy looked around for who said that and then saw me standing up my steps in the door and made some noises like, "oh, uh, oh" and then hiked his pants back up and walked away. Then Ben and I went in.

I was a little uneasy after that. Usually, my neighborhood is no big deal. But lately the creepiness factor has been upped. Nevermind that I find hypodermic needles in my front gardens, I expect that since I live near a "crack park." And never mind that someone broke into my apartment a year and a half ago, I took preventative measures for that. But one morning as I was leaving for the gym, I saw someone curled up in a blanket on the walkway that leads to our backyard. The person was sleeping against the gate, which is flush with the house. That kinda creeped me out. Then the other night I was throwing my trash out in the garage. The driveway is lined with chest height embankments that have some flora planted in them. Right at the junction of the stone wall and garage, there was a condom wrapper. Ok I can deal with that. But when I looked closer there was also the USED condom. Eeew! As if someone wedged themselves in the corner of the garage and wall and my landlady's car and HAD SEX....right under my front neighbors bedroom window. OMG.

Anyways, back in my house I started to get nervous. I was ready to leave for the gym but I didn't want to run into The Pooper on the way to my car. So I stalled a bit and then was angry that some guy pooping in front of my house was messing with how secure I feel in my neighborhood. Then I started to think, well what if he retaliates? What if he poops ON MY STEPS? Or in front of my door? Then I heard my landlady start her car and realized she was out there too and I left.

As soon as I opened the door I could smell that I did not thwart The Pooper in anyway. He didn't poop in front of my house but he did poop somewhere on the route to my car. AND it was psyching me out! I kept feeling like I was stepping in stuff. And I kept second guessing my memory that there was no poop on my front steps, but that there actually was and I had walked THROUGH it. I kept checking my sneakers. It was amazing how the smell covered an area of about a quarter block or 5 houses. I kept wondering where he ended up pooping. Maybe he utilized the construction dumpster in front of my neighbors' house? Maybe he used one of my side gardens? I had seen poop there before but always thought it was from some dog with a lazy owner. But now, I realize, it might be human poop.

I also kept wondering if this sort of thing happens in NY or Boston? I don't ever remember thinking that humans might be pooping in those neighborhoods. Is this a West Coast thing?

** I know this line sounds completely inane but I am really bad with coming up with something to say that is direct. I usually come up with things like, "Nice toilet you have there." or "HEY!"