um...planet twinkie? is that like a gay thing?

why didn't i ever think of this!?!!?

TWINKIE ha!

yeah. i said it. i LOVE kid rock! and other things...

there is this great beatboxer in town named kid beyond. he. is. absolutely. amazing. i've only seen him once and he did a full-on rendition of a portishead song WITH.HIS.MOUTH. hahaha. for those who aren't familiar with beatboxing...he makes all the sounds of the song with his mouth: guitars, vocals, scratching (yes actual dj scratching), drums, piano, strings, saw (just kidding) and he records them into a loop machine. so when he starts the song he'll start out with the beats and record that, then he'll let that "loop" while he adds guitar sounds and he records it, then he plays that while he adds scratching etc and then he does vocals over that. he operates all this by a (fairly standard) looping machine. it has footpeddles so he can add or detract sounds throughout the song. i just sat there with my mouth open. i mean, he did a gospel song, a gay-boy-dance song (otherwise known as "house") and a led zeppelin song. i keep trying to see him again so i am on his yahoo groups list and get mailed about shows etc. this came today...

Greetings from Kid Beyond. You know when Sade sang, "Coast to coast, LA to Chicago"? That's, um, not coast-to-coast, last I checked. Or is there something I'm missing here?

um...hahahaha...LOVE.HIM.

NEXT:

i'm sure most of you know of mark morford, the most times right-on, somtimes highly irritating SF Chronicle columnist? today his column was about jesus' ipod. it was kinda irritating, but he did have some good moments...like this below:

(in regards to who else would be on jesus' ipod) Who else? Sam Philips. Lhasa. Lamb. That woman from Mazzy Starr. So many more.

i'm showing you this because i loved the "that woman from mazzy star" bit. who does know her name? i know who...boys. and chris porter who used to book for mama kin in boston and was in.love.with.her. now he lives in seattle. he was obssessed with her. is it faith? glitter? flower?fee-blah? i almost have it.

NEXT:

Here are some neat instructions on how to make a coin ring! my new friend katie asked if i knew what metal quarters were made out of and i thougt the 'structions said silver but that's just silly. everyone walking around with all that silver in their pockets? we'd all be metling change down into block silver. so um..how much do we love the internet!?!?!

from the u.s. mints' website:
Quarters, dimes, and half dollars are cupro-nickel clad. Each coin has a copper core, and an outer layer, the “clad,” made of 75 percent copper and 25 percent cupro-nickel alloy.

NEXT:

...and pointed out by my best east coast friend, ren, yet another (only/good/not so good?) reason to visit houston. the funeral museum (yeah i don't know why the text is all small) and for those of you who KNOW ME know me, this is right up my friggin' alley. ren sends me lot's of stuff like this. i *heart* her.

huh, them bones, by AIC just came on my interent radio station and I had the volume on low and I thought it was bull god by kid rock. Hahahaha. you know what? some of you are throwing up right now but i'll say it: i LOVE kid rock. you know why? because when "devil without a cause" came out in '99 or '00, whenever it was, he was one of the first to meld rock, southern rock, funk, rap, hair metal, thrash metal, soul and R&B. that's alotta fucking shit people. AND he has an awesome female drummer. AND he dated james king (a total cutey-patootie model, but unfortunately, not so great actress) AND the entire album was PROPEHTIC. in several songs he sings that he's famous, breaking records, eatin' steak when he used to be eatin'..uh...something else and this was all written BEFORE he became super hot. AND he had a midget in his band...

...who incidentally ren and i saw in the detroit airport on our way to vegas once. we were waiting for our plane to board and a midget walks by in front of us and she say,"hey, wasn't that joe c?" (again, i *heart* her). next thing you know, there are about 50 girls around "someone" and we realize its kid rock. so i body surfed over there to get a pick with my new, 800 pound, olympus digital camera (this was 2000, yo!)...

...AND he has the best persona. dude (and yes i used the word dude but only to indicate how what i am about to say is really important) he KNOWS who he is. he once (basically) said, how else can a white-trash, ugly, greasy, dirty, drinking, skinny guy with stringy hair get to date a super-model? ANSWER: be a rock star, that's how!

LOVE.HIM.

uh...how did this turn into a pro-kid rock blog entry?

old lady dental work

i just got back from the dentist. i had to get old lady stuff done to my teeth. i had to get a crown. i've never had a crown before and while i'm usually not frightened of the dentist and what they do to your mouth (even tho it seems really archaic to me) i was really nervous.

i really like my dentist but today was just a mess. i was all scared-ish and was asking all these questions about what he's gonna do. to make matters worse. it was my last tooth on my top right and apparently that is one of the most difficult areas to work on. i was tilted so far back in the chair that i was practically upside down! i felt like i was gonna slide off and while i was laying there and he was addressing my concerns i started to get really naseous and hot. finally i was like, um, can i sit up?

one thing that is weird about california dentists is they don't have that spit sink on the left. they have NO sink. instead they just spray water in your mouth and then suck it up with a tube whenever you need to rinse. that just freaks me out. i hate the tube! sometimes having that thing in my mouth drying it out is ten times worse than the procedure that i am there for. the first couple a times the assistant rinsed me, i nearly drown! i really think they should TELL you when they're gonna spray water in your mouth so you can mentally and physically prepare.

so here i am, inverted, getting my little tooth shaved off (so sad..i said goodbye to it) with a dril that spews water AND getting water sprayed into my mouth and becasue i was so far back it was really hard to breathe and keep my throat closed and i could feel a little trickle of water going down my throat and all this stuff was going on and i had a fucking full-on panic attack. can you beleive that? i literally started waving may hand and crying my eyes out and the more i was zoning in on trying not to drown the worse it became. it was so scary. the dentist finally stopped and let me sit up but it seemed like he was kinda agitated that i needed a minute. i finally got it under control and he resumed.

when he was done he says, wow! that was a real challange. i asked him why and he says: what with having to stop now and again so that you could swallow and be comfortable.
uh.
yeah.
nice.
i just get really emotional about my teeth. i mean, i do all i can. brushing, flossing, night guard, ACT and my teeth are still crappy and it makes me really sad that every time i go to the dentist i have a new cavity. it just sucks. now i need a crown? and because i have clenching and grinding issues, which makes me crack fillings all the time (the reason why i need this crown is because the tooth had been filled so many times due to my cracking the filling every 6 months that there was just no more tooth) i can't get a porcelain crown. i have to get a GOLD crown. i'm gonna have a. gold. tooth. i've been thinking of my rap name all day.

so in memory of my little tooth and because i'm afraid to chew anything, i'm embarking on a spring-time detox.

ugh, the novacaine just wore off.

on mornings like these...

i ask myself: why am i going to this stupid job and not doing something i really love?

it kills me to have to come in to this place where all i do is IM, email and blog all day long. i mean, that can be fun, for like a minute, but try and make a career out of it. or rather, try and justify being a human being while your life energy is being sucked out of you every day (lina--don't ever fall into this trap! you're too brilliant!) and for what? the pay ain't even that great.

thing is, they've got me in this catch 22 over here. because i'm going to school for free, paid by them, if i leave anytime BEFORE i put in my 3 years of service, i have to pay back the tuition they've already covered. granted its based on 3 years of service and i am 1.8 years into my 3 years, so if i leave i'd have to pay back like, 52% of it (i am no math whiz, i just made that number up...but you get it). and i am NOT paying back like $8000 to a place that is slowly killing me. that's ridculous.

i should start a job count down.
(counting --breaking out calculator)

days left: 496

eegads!

exciting last weekend happenings

drank a WHOLE bottle of wine, hooked up my new bose ipod docking station (can i just say i LOVE that the remote not only controls volume but also my ipod--like forwarding through a song etc), dropped an 80 lb box on my right ankle/foot, danced around my living room to def leppard at high volume, slept with window wide open because i was.so.hot., heard a gunshot at 3am that was close enough for me to hear a guy say: yo, we gotta get outta here!, study, study, study,watched that new series Revelations that was backed up on my TiVo (some really good eye rolling moments in response to bad dialogue), went to bed, woke up early and had no coffee walked to coffee shop wasn't open yet (that's early!) went back home and got my bike and rode to another coffee shop, came home ate breakfast, took a nap at 9:30am-10:30am (!), went to study group, went to zeitgeist for a burger and a beer.

see how exciting my life is? i am SUCH a rockstar.

i'm sad that i had to miss jem play, loquat on saturday, and standing in line at 6:30am on sunday morning to buy system of a down tickets (well not that sad...but you know)

hal the ass grabber 

my first SF star sighting!

you remember him right? queer as folk? more recently a panelist on just about every VH1 series. rockstar? hal sparks?

well guess who got to sit next to him at lunch today because she is obsessed with the meatloaf at DeLessio's? ME!?!?!?!?

he was with a realllly cute guy and then a guy with a big nose (both fashionably dressed in that rocker way) and then some other guy who looked like an industry tool. i noticed the cute guy in the food selecting line but just figured he was gay because he was with the big nose guy and they were both just too tall and too skinny and too hiply dressed to be straight. but now i'm realizing, its just because they were from LA.

the tall guys sat at the table next to me and mo and then hal sat down facing me and i looked at him and then looked right at mo and we both nodded our heads and she said, verrry familiar. and we discussed, in hushed tones, where we know him from and as we were running down the list (i always confuse hal with freddy rodriguez from 6 feet under) we, at the same time, yelled VH1! which made hal turn his back to us. HAHAHAHA.

we actually didn't yell it but i'm sure it was loud enough for him to know that we knew who he was.

here's what he had on his plate:
jicama salad
couscous salad
lentil salad

obviously a vegetarian. he was also heavily wrist-cuffed. lots of leather cuffs and large silvery chain looking things. he also talked non-stop through lunch in a very animated way. he was cute. not a leprachaun hat in the bunch.

i'm really bad at star sightings. i'm just really mesmerized and star struck by these people. once i saw the woman who played gloria on ER at a little italian restaurant in NYC. i was with my friend paulie, whose back was to her. she was eating by herself and i just kept staring until finally paulie had to threaten me.

then one other time i was in urban outfitters in harvard square and i saw elizabeth from survivor with her then fiance. i was literally following them around the store hiding behind displays to look at her. then she went to look at some sweaters that i was coveting and i felt like she thought i was going to that sweater table because she was there. she looked at me and i knew that SHE knew that i knew who she was and that made me hate her. she was too smug, plus she was wearing a full length tan leather trench coat with matching boots.

i also saw nick from survivor around the square too and even rode in an elevator with him on my way to my office one day. he stopped counting because i saw him all the time and he was so non-star-like.

misty and i saw kiera knightly in fred segal in LA and i didn't know who she was until misty was like, pirates of the carribean!?!? she looked WAY hotter in theatflick.

working at the ART i met debra winger (very insecure and hangs on her husband), chris cooper (his WIFE was totally overbearing and acted like cooper was autistic and couldn't interact socially), grandpa huxtible from the cosby show (he was really nice but left our production early because he didn't agree with something), oh yeah, well i used to work for aerosmith so i saw all of them WAY too much.

back to hal. is his band in town or something?

dear lunch time meatloaf...

...I LOVE YOU.

i just got back from DeLessio (which for some reason this whole time i thought was called schillings). can i just say OH MY GOD?!?!

this is what i got:
cucumber salad with feta (and not the boring kind of salad you are thinking of)
caluliflower salad
roasted carrots (and i hate cooked carrots and these just rocked)
grilled fennel with olives
polenta with paremsean and provolone
meatloaf with smoked tomato jam

sigh. the meatloaf. it is the best meatload (hahahaha i just said meatLOAD. MEATLOAF..jessh) i have ever eaten in my life. and THAT is not something people say about meatloaf. it was absolutely amazing and i suggest that everyone get down to DeLessio and get some of this friggin' stuff right now.

if you have never been, its basically a high-end deli-type place. picture if whole foods gave you access to their deli-case-enclosed items. they have a hot and cold section and the food is by the pound. they also have cheeses, panini, and mounds and mounds of dessert. i literally had to be escorted from the place before i could plunge my face into the chocolate croissant bread pudding tray.

this is also the place of the famed chocolate sandwich. (well famous in my world) they have two kinds: very, very thin sheets of milk chocolate spread with peanutbutter, or dark chocolate spread with raspberry jam and sprinkled with sugar.

anyways, its good. you should go.

emergency blog! emergency blog!

apparentely being on nerve.com personals (and not getting any responses from ANYONE) is paying off.

i am the featured personal on SF Gate today. check it out!

www.sfgate.com

and i was wondering why i was getting messages from like 8 million guys.

misty, don't worry! (willo gets a shout out, too!)

in class last night, which is all about how people act in organizations and how organizations survive, my teacher talked about environmental selection. its kinda like natural selection, but for companies. and it means that due to circumstances some companies may die out over time because of their environment and until they do they just try to prolong their existence.

and then he highlighted BLOCKBUSTER.

misty is afraid that blockbuster may kick netflix to the curb because they are now offering a similar service as netflix but for cheaper! and, they are now allowing their in store rentals to be kept for 30 days with no late fees. this may all sound like a strategic plan to overturn netflix, but after class last night it was obvious that it is blockbusters attempt at trying to stay in the game and they are just kind of, pulling out all the stops before their inevitable decline.

so misty, don't worry. blockbuster is going down. and if you're still unsure just think: you don't see them building any new blockbusters, do ya?

i've decided that for my birthday (even tho i bought myself a couch) that i am finally going to go in for lasik surgery. i mean, i'm already in debt, whats a few more thousand? right? (shut up about coachella...)

last summer i went for a consultation with a dr. faktorovich (fac-TOR-oh-vitch....which really, if anyone has ever been or lived in foreign country or had a foreign friend...especially RUSSIAN you would know that her name should be pronounced fac-tah-ROW-vitch...but anyway)

i was tested and they told me that i was an excellent candidate for the new wavefront technology, which is the first improvement in lasik in about 9 years. one change, is they cut your eyeball (the clear jelly part) with a laser which means that its a cleaner incision and will heal faster. they also take a topographical map of your cornea. what makes people's vision poor is that the cornea should be smooth and when you have vision problems, your cornea has waves in it. the topographical map provides coordinates for your eye, which are then programmed into the computer and the laser burns away any "waves" or irregularities in your cornea for an attempt to make it smooth. the largest benefit of wavefront is now they doctors get more centralized information about what to correct, say 200 individual coordinates to the original 100 (i just made up that number). i've also heard that it reduces the chances of nightvision and halos. of course...this is how i understand and interpret it. go here for what REALLY happens..hahaha.

ok, so Dr. F's people were really nice and they did all the testing on me and gave me print outs of my eye map. but then, they got me into this office and said, " so when can we schedule your appointment?" i was kind of taken aback, since they had just told me that my surgery would cost SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS (i mean, they literally wrote it on a piece of paper and slid it across the table) and that even with my insurance discount it was $5,600 and they were like, we can do you next week. i was like, well, i don't have that kind of money. the woman told me that i could put some money down, and then put the rest on a credit card. at the time i had $35 in my checking account and no credit card and was dealing with a car payment. i just laughed at her and then she said i was approved for financing. i really felt pressured and they made me feel like i was making a big mistake by waiting. glad to say i walked and told them i would think about it.

then, 3 weeks later they called and said that if i agreed to have visiting doctors sit in on my procedure that they would drop it down to $5000 (i've heard a similar story from someone else and they offered her $3400!) again i declined. then a few weeks after that they called and said, "we're having a special! if you come in by (insert date here) we'll take 10% off."

what the hell?

i didn't take any of these "offers" and kind of pushed lasik aside for the moment. but then i met willo who had just had her eyes done. she went to dr. faktorovich also and had a similar pushy experience and she walked too! then she found dr. hyver, whom she highly recommended. i have a constultaion with him on may 4th and i can't wait! i really hope he doesn't charge $7000!

poignant birthday thoughts

ok, so i had some poignant moments:

1) recently, i was watching TV and they were showing an add for a detective show where a young girl is solving crimes that her detective dad can't? (i can't remember the name) and the woman playing her MOTHER was a character actor from the 80's that used to play teenagers. soooo. i'm all, huh. freaky.

today i went to the zeitgeist to meet some friends to celebrate my birthday. i feel really blessed that:

(poignant thought #2) 2) i had over 50 friends here to invite to the zeitgeist and was really surprised when my email program said that i couldn't mail all 50 at once or else it might be considered spam. because i was all like...do i really know 50 people here!?!?!

...that derek, jojo, dom, misty, ted, A, Miss B, jenny, john, richard and pevil showed up and brought some new friends for me to meet.

checking on my french bread pizza...

ok back.

i was watching all my tivo'd Starting Over episodes from when i was away, and i was really excited to see that new housemate, layne, who is like the perfect woman but can't find love, has a similar story line to what i am feeling right now. she is like, every woman's story, in her 30's, established, has her life together...but her life partner is just elusive.. i think i might learn from this...i mean, already i get more out of starting over than i do from my (loveable, gay) therapist.

i think i've forgotten the most poignant thought that i had today while i was watching starting over/america's next top model marathon tv. but i'm sure it will comback, or a new one will take its place.

new sofa gets delivered tomorrow morning!

pizza's done!

back "home" in SF

well, the vaca is over and boy is it ever. i went to work today. i was getting out of my car this morning and was like, yeah...why did i say i was gonna come to work today? i didn't do anything but go thru my email. then the office took me out to lunch. the place was a surprise and we ended up going to the bistro at the cliff house.

here's what i ate:
pot stickers
fried calamari
endive, blue cheese, walnut, pear salad
a giant cheese burger
sour cream chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream
(and then i finished off someones cheesecake)

yeah, so not even able to look at food tonight.

i love how when i watch Survivor that i feel like i am getting as skinny as they are on the show. hahaha! what the hell is up with that?

so when i came home last night shai kitty was pissed! he was alone for 9 days (even tho i had a friend checking in on his food and water he's just too shy to come out for new people) and he really needs physical attention. anyways, he just stood in the kitchen wailing at me. he was all, MAW MAW MAW MAW MAW MAW! and then he followed me around for the better part of an hour and when i would reach down to pet him, he'd run away. hahahaha. then he sat with me on the couch while i watched survivor. or rather he sat ON ME. and then we went to bed and he slept under the covers with me most of the night and at one point draped himself over my side....then we spooned. i love when i spoon with my cat. he's the second best kitty in the world (baby kitty is the first best kitty in the world, but she died two years ago from complications of old age and diabetes).

today i went to ikea...and guess what i got?!?!? the sofa! this weekend is "no sales tax shopping" and i think that warrants buying the couch. (even tho i don't acutally HAVE the money to buy it and am not going to coachella because i couldn't afford it and i know misty is reading this going..hello!?!!? coachella!??!?!).

ok i gotta go. i am still so exhausted because i am on east coast time and i have to catch up on my two weeks of missing Starting Over....sigh. tivo is my new boyfriend. hahahaha. love that!

i *heart* irony

so i'm reading an article titled "why i've stopped arguing with liberals" (look i found the link!) by pat sajak. yuh. pat. sajak. the wheel of fortune host.

my favorite line in the whole piece is this:

(regarding liberals) "They tend to do things like accusing members of the Right of sowing the seeds of hatred while, at the same time, comparing them to mass murderers. And they do this while completely missing the irony."

first of all, pat, i think the irony here is that YOU are a game show host and you're writing a political article. (i'd like to by a vowel)

second of all, is that ironic in an alannis morisette kinda way? heh.

************************
one thing i DO love about visiting the g-rents is that they start hitting the booze as soon as it chimes noon. its like that movie spanglish...aww mom, you're drinking? its not even noon! and then the mom looks at the clock and its like one minute before noon.

so i tend to spend my entire time in a low level buzzed state. which does has its good points...and bad points.

**********************

today we went to the secret beach which can only be reached by boat. its amazing. all it is, is a sandbar and there are just mounds of shells. its amazing to think that there are so many living beings in the ocean. i was standing about high deep in the water and my g-rents are down the beach talking to some folks. grandpa waves, points out towards the ocean.

here's a tip...when someone points in the general direction of the ocean when you're in it...get out. i look out and within about 30 seconds i see a fin. hello!

well, it was only a dolphin. infact it was a few dolphins which was pretty cool. they were all flopping all over the place and breeching (if dolphins do that). cute!

*********************
my g-rents are having all this work done on their house. right now they have an electrician doing some stuff. he's here daily. i have the biggest crush on him. he's totally my type: a big, dumb, dark, swarthy guy with creative facial hair and looking like he has a lebanese/sephardic jew-type background, creative facial hair... oh...i said that. pshaw. the best part is he is from tennessee so his accent is beyond belief. his name is linny, which is short for linden. heh. i was all, hey! no wedding ring (like what the hell am i gonna do in florida with a big, dumb guy...) then i realize that electricians can't wear their rings because they can die if it gets caught on wires etc. i guess those names tattooed on his arm might be his kids' names? i'm so out of it with men. i mean, i'm just repulsing them left and right. i don't even know how to act moderately non-chalant around them now. dang!

*********************

hello cheap-giant-3-litre-jug-of-white-whine-for-under-ten-dollars buzz. ok time for dinner. hey! maybe i'll drive to dairy queen for a swirl, chocolate dip! awww yeah!

pony-up your break-up recipes

so, since i am sitting here on vacation, i have all this time to thinkabout stuff i want to do and now...its time for a project!

i am really interested to hear what your breakup recipes might be. what do you use to fill the emptiness when that person no longer can? itdoesn't have to be something elaborate. it could be something homemade,bought or ordered in.

for example:
for breakup 2004, my breakup diet consisted of diet coke, marlborolights, raw almonds and the anti-depressant Effexor (awww yeah!).

please include any commentary you may have on why you revert to this food in your special time. (something special is sure to come of it)

please forward this link to anyone who you think might enjoy doing this and feel free to leave your recipes via the comments page! thanks!

as each day of my vacation passes...why am i getting more stressed!?!?

maybe its because my grandpa is like a spoiled child. he always wants what he doesn't have at that moment. so as soon as i sit down at the computer he's like, oh i need to use it now. gah! plus, he has bad hearing and i have to repeat things like, 8 times.

i've been having an ok time. my grandparents have such different outlooks about certain things than i do, or that the people who i hang around with do. i knwo i've said it before, but they get their news from Fox News. gah! and i think i mentioned that they think that all other news channels are biased. they think that it was wrong to disconnect terri schiavo from the feeding tube because there are too many unanswered questions about her husband. meaning that, there is a suspicion that he caused the original "incident" that caused her to be in this vegetative state. that he stopped the physical therapy after 7 years even tho she was showing signs of communicating...uh this is the first i have heard of this. today i think was the worst when they were talking about how great ann coulter is. or maybe it was when going over his stocks my grandpa talked about altria, which WAS phillip morris, and how great its doing. i asked him if he figures being socially responsible into his choice of stock selection. you can guess what the answer was.

its so utterly stressful to be faced with points of view that are so different from my beliefs and my friends and even the rest of my family. its hard for me to just shut up, but i really can't win here. i just want to keep the peace.

anyways, i'm getting stressed just writing this!

and you know what? Fox News is stupid!

why do people say the shit they say?

there can't be anything worse than being on a red-eye and not sleeping. sure, you say, who sleeps on planes anyways? well, i do. something about the electro-static energy with a combination of the "white-noise" and the bad air. as soon as i sit in my seat and buckle my belt, i'm out. and i was. was there drink service? i don't remember. i do remember the lady behind me who just. had. to. read. when everyone else was sleeping and her personal light was not so personal as it shined right into my upturned, uncomfortably positioned face. there has to be some kinda law about that. finally i looked behind her and saw her snoozing and then stealthily shut her light off. i tossed and turned and maybe slept an hour or two.

my seat mate, an older woman, i want to say about mid 50's (i am fairly positive that she was probably younger than that but all the bitterness in her life/attitude it just caused her to look older) was just weird. weird in the sense that she offered up all this extraneous information when asked a simple question. we have the seat empty between us. she has her "brought" pillow propping up her back with the plane pillow. she sits up and fiddles with some kind of fanny pack (yes, fanny pack) and pulls out this piece of equipment. its made of that grayish black plastic that is so popular with computer equipment. its a flat disk connected by a mouse=width cable to a remote control looking device. kinda like when you get a pedicure in the spa chair and you have the remote for the massage controls? i ask her what it is and she says that she has a medical condition, something in her back (i can't remember what she said) and that device is a scrambler. she puts the disk part up to her lower back and presses some buttons and she says it "scrambles" the pain. it doesn't take the pain away, just minimizes it. i said i thought it was a personal back massager. and she was like, oh and you wanted to share it? sorry you have to get a 5-inch gash in your back to get one of these.

huh.

next, i rang the stewardess bell for a blanket, just as they were announcing that all the blankets had been distributed. i made an "aw shucks" gesture and the woman says, oh well i have mine. you're welcome to use it if i don't. i always bring one with me because i have a medical problem with my leg and it gets cold sometimes. and here, she kinda hoists up her left leg, that is extended into the aisle a bit, with the use of her non-existant stomach muscles.

huh.

then the stewardess was trying to move people around so that pretty much everyone had an empty seat in their row. in the row behind me there was a couple and an older woman. the stewardess asked the older woman if she was interested in moving from her window seat to an aisle seat where she would be in a row with only one other person. she said, oh i have breast cancer and i need the window seat to brace my right arm.

huh.

not just, no thank you i'm fine. but rather, i have cancer.

interesting. in the sense that people feel the need to offer up this additional information about themselves to appear more interesting. more exciting. cooler. to ellicit pity. it got me to thinking about all the stuff i extraneously throw out there that people didn't ask for or aren't interested in hearing. i know i have a lot of those cards. i have a whole deck, in fact. i usually bring it along with me on the first couple of dates. and i say dates because i just realized that i don't usually offer this additional information to women. now THAT'S interesting. i'll have to look into that.

* * * * * * * *
did you know that at SFO you have to pay to use their wireless network at the terminal? that's bullshit. i mean, i can see why the do it but, its still bullshit.

did you know that the airport in charlotte, NC doesn't have a wireless network? not too surprising i guess.

after charlotte, i flew into tampa. i slept the whole way on that plane. an hour and ten minutes of solid i'm-not-noticing-this-armrest-in-my-side sleep. and so deep i was that when they announced the plane was landing i couldn't even open my eyes let alone raise my seatback. just exhausted. i stumbled off the plane and was really, really happy when i was hit with that wave of humidity. you don't get the wet air in san francisco. well, i guess essentially fog is wet air, but its not the same. the heat coupled with water in the air. there is something so magically (and sadly missed) about it. i made my way to the hertz counter for my hyundai elantra.

this is the first time visiting my grandparents in florida, that i am renting a car. they live about an hour north of ft. myers and happily pick me up, providing i do the dutiful grandaughterly thing and book flights that arrive not too early and depart not too late. this time, i had a hard time getting a flight into ft. myers and came through tampa, which is about 1:30 minutes north of my g-rents. for some reason this extra 30 minutes freaks them out. they're always, "DON'T FLY INTO TAMPA!!" so i sucked it up and got a car. i have to say. wow! i felt so grown up in my own rental car, driving on my own, in an area i didn't really know. thank god i impulsed the iTrip, because i was rockin' out to the traditional metal favorites of queensryche, kid rock and judas priest. definitely fitting for this area of the country.

(sidenote, my grandpa's AIM "someone is signing out" sound, sonds lke a giant cow is slamming itself against a metal fence and it keeps scaring the shit out of me.)

i was marveling, how in the tampa airport there were so many coffee options for me. i wanted to get on the road and decided that i would just hit a starbucks on the way. hmmm. yeah. didn't happen. my choices at most every exit were The Waffle House, Cracker Barrell (Cheese) Restaurant, McDonalds and 7-11. finally, i broke down and got a Big Gulp and those mini powdered donuts. and i must say, they have a brand of mini powdered donuts over here where they have revolutionized the "white powder falling all over your clothing" factor. it just doesn't happen with these. they're called Gem.

Gem indeed.

Big Bad Crush 

US Tour

dear diary,

well, it seems like my life is totally turning around and getting really exciting. let me recap:

problem:
i was really feeling trapped and stagnant in my job, but not sure what to do as i am in school for free right now and leaving my job would mean paying back the school i've already done and having to pay for the next year out of pocket

miracle:
my department is miraculously dismantled and i am either getting placed elsewhere or getting laid off and if i am laid off i am freed from my financial obligations to school. awww yeah!

problem:
i'm totally stressed out with all that is going on and need a tan!

miracle:
i got a free airline ticket voucher and am going to florida to visit the g-rents for 9 days starting tomorrow!

problem:
i am trying to start a business designing and making handbags and just haven't had the time to do it and am really scared about how to proceed.

miracle:
my co-worker says she'll go in with me and has all these designs. figure in possibly getting laid off and it sounds like a pretty good motivator to get moving!

problem:
i was trying to think about how to get out to boston to visit for a few weeks and when to do it.

miracle:
my dad just called and told me he is flying me out in october...all expenses paid!

problem:
i've never been to Hawaii.

miracle:
in that same phone call with my dad he said he is going to come and visit me in early june and then we'll both go to hawaii...all expenses paid! (well, with his new fiance but whatever.)

problem:
this quasi-relationship i wasn't having was disappointing at best and i was learning how to deal with yet ANOTHER REJECTION.

miracle:
my brain finally switched and now i don't care!

funny thing is, just last week i was really struggling, in fact so much so that i put in the call to my psychic advisor to help me put things in perspective and to get back on the right track. i schedule with here every 6 months to once a year when i am feeling lost or confused. she basically validates my thoughts and tells me that i am holding things too close to me which is preventing those things from being out in the universe, hense the universe doesn't sense that i am ready to recieve all i wish for. its a vicious cycle people and its so easy to get caught up in. i mean, i'm still not out of it, but i have been throwing my orb (only karen will know what this means -- but putting my intentions into something "physical" and then sending it out into the universe and trusting that the universe will honor me).

yeah i know, hokey. but whatever!

phew!

today i went to fort funston!

fort funston
watery.sand
sand.ladder
iron.sand
not at fort funston
hayes.needle

new city, new big

for years, living in boston, i had a mr. big. i called him kid. he was the ultimate unavailable, unattainable man. he lived in NY, worked in LA, and i saw him in between. i often think how he became my big and what led to, at the height of his bigness, a never ending drive to win him.

first, i heard his big words. on a small little cassette tape, in a basement bedroom in a foreign land. he was the singer/songwriter/guitar player for a very underground NY band. it was like magic. he crafted words together in ways i never heard. a true artist in the aesthetic sense, his words went in me and swirled around inside of me, hitting certain parts of me and then settled.

next came his big voice. holding a cadence and tone, hard and breathless. you would've thought he was a taurus. i never saw his face. not until that first show and even then i wasn't sure, but there it was.

years later, thanks to technology, we met and the push and pull began. i'm not particularly proud of this time in my life. i can remember the endless runs around the river, for miles and miles, hyper-obssessing about his call, his no call, what he really meant, god what DID he mean? the endless memorization of scenes in my head of how it should be. the senseless time spent comparing kid to an actual man who wanted me and who ulitmately i pushed away because he just. didn't. match. up.

but it ended, ya know? and i realized that it wasn't kid who i was attracted to, but what he stood for and what his image was. and he receeded from the front of my consciousness. we keep in touch. he tells me i'll tear up this town and i'm not quite sure what that means, but i believe him because, well, because he's kid.

so, it's only fitting that i have a new big. oh. well, he's not as fantastic, and lauded, and worshipped by the indie masses. but he's definitely unavailable (tho he says "medium unavailable"...whatever that means), and unattainable and emotionally irresponsible. those boys, they're very good at giving you that hope, ya know? medium unavailable *snort* i'm sure medium unavailable in his head means, no not ever and in my head it means, yes maybe. but i had the drive to change his mind and the push and pull began. obssession is too stong a word for this, because he IS just a 37 year old man who is too afraid to jump when someone hands him a parachute he knows will work, so hyper-focusing might be the word to use. he brings out the best of my super hero alter-ego S.H.A.W. (Super Hyper Analytical Woman).

and i'm thinking, well why am i here again? its so debilitating sometimes, for me, to want something you can't have. so, i decided to end my suffering in the most unrealistic, counter-productive way. i won't go into details here, but, wow. its so liberating. he has been telling me for weeks what he wants (or doesn't want), laying it on the table, but it was in boy, and i don't speak boy. but last night, after being appalled at myself for dancing on the edges of being "that girl," the babelfish came alive inside my ear and those forever boy words were understandable. and then the allure was over. just like that.

...and then i got cancer. (just making sure you're still paying attention)

my prayers have been answered!

..and i wish susan miller would post her forecast for april so i can see what it's all about! susan, get on it!

anyways, i'm supposed to be writing a paper and a speach right now for class tomorrow morning, but it will have to wait. plus i think i am going to write about what has happened so this will help me formulate my thoughts.

in other news, after that talk i had last night with A. well, she really put a lot of things in perspective for me regarding life, and wasting time on crap stuff and it got me to thinking. i think i might need to start volunteering somewhere. the other thing is, you know, i'm totally attracted to an emotionally unavailable guy, and well, i'm gonna call that shit out. in fact, i decided to just have fun with it and because i am all fearless now, i mailed him today and was like, yo what's up? he asked me to come to his rock show tonight and i was like, yeah (uh, that sounds like he wants sex) i don't know, i gotta write a paper. i decided i wasn't gonna go, it was just too short a notice. but i said, you know, if he calls me tonight to SEE if i'm gonna go i might go.

guess.who.just.called.

yeah.

dammit.