i'm at the library...s-u-x

what was i gonna say? oh yeah. robbers suck! and what is really scary is that:

1. i was only gone for 1.5 hours
2. the broke the gate protecting my backyard (!)
3. my landlord heard and SAW someone at 4am that night lurking in the walkway along side our house. he called the cops and in seconds there were about ten officers swarming our place and climbing all over everything with flashlights.

the reason i was out of my house for a few hours is because i picked up my friend, mirta, at SFO. she had a 6 hour layover from mexico before she headed back to boston and we had planned to have dinner. when we got back to my house she was like, dude, your bathroom window is wide open! and my first thought was...where's shai kitty! i briefly thought, huh, that's weird, but i knew i had it open a few inches after my shower. so i shut the window, mirta and i hung out, and then we went to dinner. it wasn't until after we got back where i realized my shit was gone!

mirta was supposed to leave at 11:30 that night but she was like, dude (she really talks like this) i am SO not leaving you tonight! so she scraped her non-refundable ticket and got a brand new one leaving the next morning. i was in awe of her caring! i felt so much better with her there with me. we even camped out on my awesome sofa. yay for sectionals! it was such a great thing for her to do, especially since we had more drama that night! if i was alone i woulda lost my mind!

did i mention that i bought those lock-y things that you drill into your window frame to prevent it from being raised higher than 6 inches? well i did! i mean, people were in my house. purposely breaking the gate so they could get into the backyard to do something bad (because you can't see into my house from the street) AND crawling into a complicated-ly, unaccesible bathroom window -- when ironically i had 3 windows in my house wide open with those removeable screens in them! this just makes me laugh that they took the "hard" route into my house co's you know once inside my hosue they were like, dang! but ok, so they've seen the REST of the stuff in my house that they couldn't take out...so are they coming back? that's what is freaky!

ok i gotta do homework.
hee!

emergency!

hey peeps. my house was robbed yesterday and one of the many items they took was my laptop (and my newly updated ipod!) so...if any of you happen to see hezzie13 log on to AIM or hezekial13 log on to yahoo...its not me! i don't know what can be done...but give them hell? i dunno. so sad.

carnaval schmarnaval

ok, so today i walked over to carnaval which is all emcompassing in my 'hood and you can't really avoid it. i didn't go last year...i think because i was moving into my place. i was really looking forward to some overpriced food, maybe some local art etc. when i got there tho, it seemed that they had the same 5 food vendors the whole length of harrison st. (which, by the way, was seriously lacking in fried dough).

and not only was it the same 5 food vendors, but it was also about the same 5 retailers. and NO local art to be seen. so, it was kinda boring. i think i was there for an hour and then i came home and cleaned.

PAW

you know, i'm gonna say it. i really liked that band Paw that was mildly popular in the early 90's. sometimes i get crushes on singers because of they way they sing or their lyrics. mark hennessy was one of these crushes. sigh. and then when i saw them live? let's just say: carhart. i LOVE men in carhart clothing items. it makes them all utilitarian and blue collar. uh, i don't think there is anything else i can say here.

iPod

dear dj ipod,

why do you play the same songs and bands over and over again? don't you get the hint when i advance to the next song? sometimes i think that you think i only have jay-z, type-o negative and spoon on there. but i have WAY more! didn't you learn your lesson when i took off all my bjork because you played it incessantly? to help you, i finally put the rest of my cd collection into you and even downloaded some new NEW music from itunes. and yet, when i popped you into my bose docking station, and even started you off with my new NEW death from above 1979 you still reverted back to jay-z. why dj ipod? i even had to advance through matthew sweet (again!) and radiohead (AGAIN!). sigh.

love,
hez

classic rock?

so my mom called me earlier in the week to let me know that def leppard (and bryan adams) were going to be on the today show this morning.

maybe we need some backstory.

when i was 12 i fell in love with def leppard, specifically steve clark. DL took my love way from styx -- anyways, i was desperately in love with steve clark. i even named myself hez clark and would sign all my school papers with that. every day i wrote in my spiral notebook to steve, which was lovingly collaged with DL pics and assorted rock things.

dear steve,

today i saw you on an interview show and you looked sad. i wish you weren't so sad all the time. i wish i could make you happy.

love,

hez

looking back, it was defintely a journal in the form of writing letters to steve. this went on until i was about (eegads!) 16.

lest you think i was retarded, my best friend Kym, whom i met when i was 14 was also a huge def leppard fan...she loved joe elliott and then transfered her love to rick savage. (incidentally when kym was 21 she had a son and named him rick allen -- HAHAHA) ok so, not only was *I* writing letters to the love of my life, but Kym was too. in the same format. BEFORE i met her.

here is what we did with our notebooks.

when we were about 17, we drove down to providence, RI in Kym's 1979 white Z28. we went to the Def Lep show at the Providence Civic Center and then, because we were pros (phoned our 'rents and said we had car trouble and were staying in providence), went over to the omni-biltmore hotel and changed our clothes in the lobby bathroom into more "acceptable" ladies clothing and hung out in the lobby, inconspicuously behind a potted plant or something, each with an armful of notebooks. when steve and rick finally came thorugh the lobby -- and they did -- we approached them and handed over years and years of secret letters. omg. how awesome is that? they were kinda, um, surprised?

my love for def leppard ended when steve clark died from alcohol and drug related "issues" in 1991, truthfully it probably ended a little before that (even tho i was a HUGE viv campbell fan from when he was in Dio - kym and i have a great story of us running behind viv's limo all the way to the hotel one night after a Dio show) honestly, there is nothing better than High n' Dry, when they sounded pure. more refined than On Through the Night and not as polished sounding as Pyromania.

so my mom calls to tell me that they are on the Today show this morning probably because she still thinks i am 13 since that's what i act like most of the time. my curiosity got the best of me and i tivo'd the show. i was slightly aware that rick savage was now a bloated mess and that joe had a tummy...but ya know. ya gotta check that shit out.

so yeah, classic rock. that's what katie couric called them and bryan adams. classic rock. really? i think of ram jam as more of classic rock. don't you?

incidentally, when did bryan adams become hot? he was really good looking. he always had that boyish charm kinda thing, but now? dang.

borderline hermit

basically, i'm really good at being a hermit. i get really protective of my down time and i really prefer sitting on my AWESOME sofa and watching movies. what is really scary, tho, is that now that i am retired (aka not working) i have very little interaction with people. ironically, i think i HAVE gone out more in this last week and a half than i have the whole time i've lived here.

my best east-coast-friend-that's-a-guy, paulie, made fun of me because i told him i've been sewing and gardening. he asked if i was 80. (asshole) i said, come on! i like to do that stuff. its like, self-love. i get to think about a lot of stuff and kinda check out which i think is ten times better to check out while creating something than just sitting on my sofa. i told him that i was also working out every morning. he said, forget that...you need to work out your vagina. HAHAHA. i love him. but you know, i just can't go there. i am so not in the mood to deal with another human being on *that* level.

yesterday, i was sewing away...trying to finish this upscale bag i am making and with one little stitch left, BLAMO my machine crapped out. so i took it into the sewing machine repair place..which also fixes vacuum cleaners? the good news is it can be fixed, the timing was off, the bad news is its practially a bazillion dollars. well not that much but when you're retired you gotta scrimp and save AND i won't get it backtil tuesday. crap.

last night i was watching TV and i dozed off on my couch and when i woke up the weirdest movie was on. it was a horror/slasher movie with a really creepy guy as the "monster". so i shut it off and went to bed where i immediately had my own version of a horror/slasher movie. i was sitting in a dining room chair and was talking to someone and then and some guy came to talk to me and i said, "are you gonna (blah)?" and he said, "no i'm going to do THIS!" and he reached around in front of me (he was on my left) and he stabbed me in my ribs on my right side and he held me while he jabbed the knife in and when it was in me, in between my ribs, i felt like hmmm burdened or full or like i was holding my breath. and i looked him in the eyes and we were looking at each other and i was waiting for him to take the knife out and when he did (not only did i feel it scrapping against one of my ribs) but i felt like when you're blowing up a balloon and you've put too much air in and you decide to let some out and it was that strained kind of air release thing that i felt. i know...i'm not explaining this very well. anyways i woke up and felt all scared and (naturally) my right side was aching. then i just curled up into a ball and fell back asleep.

ok...american idol. how much did i laugh out loud when they cut to Bo's family and they all had sunglasses on? i thought Bo sang really bad last night. even tho he sang my all time favorite song, vehicle by the ides of march. that song makes me think about living in sharon, Mass. when i was 15 and my bedroom was in the basement and i would hermit up in there.

what else was i gonna say? bo...knife dream...uh. i forget. ok byeee!

uh, this photo cracks me up. i was doing some gardening today and i collect snails i find and move them to funny places. this is on a statues head. and this snail is like, what the hey!?! 

new trend

so, since we're all blogging, something was brought to my attention last night when i was out with misty and jojo. now, whenever anything funny happens or is said, we have to "call it" for our blog.

example:
we were at LAC after our heavily garlic laden dinner at esperpento and misty says, oh there's kelly stoltz at the end of the bar. since i don't give a damn about kelly boring stoltz i was like whatever. then the next thing i know, he's all behind the bar. and i said to misty, is that kelly boring stoltz behind the bar?!?! and i was thinking, stupid lame-ass rockstar can just think he can go behind the bar and help himself to a drink AND have control over the pool table. then misty clarified that he works there...

...(yeah ok, but even still when you are not the bartender on shift you STILL don't go behind the bar..its common bartender courtesy. but ok, maybe they have different rules at the LAC. )...

...anyways, this was funnier when it happened when we were 2 pitchers of sangria and one vodka tonic into our evening...but my point is.... i said i was gonna write about it in my blog and before i could get out that sentence misty called it. damn!

after LAC jojo left us and we went to hush hush where it was supposedly rock n' roll night. we got there and they were, in fact, playing some good rock n' roll but then some stupid band came on and misty set down her vodka tonic and looked at me. i was confused because misty NEVER sets down a vodka tonic willingly, the band was just too much "rock n' roll" for us to take and we skiddaddled.

side note: yesterday i IM'd with misty

hezekial13: are we getting drunk tonight?
mistylwhite: no, i have an 8am meeting and then have to be at a client all day
hezekial13: should i remind you of that when you say, "let's go to the skylark!"
mistylwhite: yes.

...then we went to the skylark where full-of-himself-steve-gardner works. here we drank like 2-3 more drinks, did dial-a-shot with scott campbell, (scott left me a RAD voicemail of the beginning of a queensryche operation mindcrime song...queensryche is a forbidden love we share), then i salsa'd on the dance floor to tupac with some mexican guy named luiz (or whatever) while his friends cheered him on. little did they know that i cannot be led while doing the salsa and end up leading whomever i dance with...luiz (or whatever) took it like a man. then all of a sudden we left. but not before i gave out my phone number to some guy: stupidstupidstupid.

and then the horror began. even tho we were like, parked a block away from the skylark we walked around the mission for 30 minutes. misty even.....[BEEP]....apartment entryway and i called it in my blog, but i could not for the life of me remember where she parked. we FINALLY found her car and then the donut hunt began. luckily, i remembered that cala is open 24 hours and they have krispy kreme. i'm sad to report that i scarfed two donuts BUT! cala was having a sale on diet coke, four 12 packes for $10!!!! that's a really good deal, even my drunk brain could comprehend that, so at 2am i am checking out with 4 donuts and a 12 pack of coke...thankGOD because i drank alot of it today.

you know, misty is awesome...a mere 12 hours ago she could barely even walk and there she is sitting at a client actually working. me? i can barely even function and all i am doing is laying on my couch.

yay for misty!

ok listen...i've got lots of things to expound on today

ONE: this is the funniest thing you will read this month.
http://theblackmetaldialogues.com/it.html

TWO: thank GOD naima won America's Top Model and keenyah didn't even have a chance.

THREE: bo bice DOES qualify for wearing sunglasses inside (see discussion with misty)
mistylwhite : in my humble opinion, Bono is the only jackass that somehow gets away with wearing sunglasses inside.
hezekial13 : that's no opinion. thats a travesty
mistylwhite : HAHAHAHA
mistylwhite : sunglasses inside...unless you are a huge rock star and totally high on drugs in just NOT cool. trying to BE cool by wearing sunglasses inside just makes you totally uncool
hezekial13 : i think it works for bo
mistylwhite : ARE YOU SERIOUS?!??!!?
hezekial13 : yes. i. am.
mistylwhite : YOU CAN"T BE SERIOUS?!?!
mistylwhite : I can't be friends with you anymore
hezekial13 : hahahha, i mean, you didn't see this but when he did his rendition of Big Green (that moneymoneymoneymoney song on the apprentice) the shades totally worked with the outfit. it was pretty hot
mistylwhite : you are KILLING me
mistylwhite : slow...painful death
hezekial13 : alls i'm saying is...rockstar/potential rockstar yes....off the street loser jackass at a wedding present show..NO
mistylwhite : I can't accept it
mistylwhite : AND what I just realized is....last night wasn't the first time he wore his "sunglasses at night"
mistylwhite : NO fucking way
hezekial13 : shut up
mistylwhite : Bo is not a potential star, he's on fucking american idol
hezekial13 : so i am sitting here and shai is on the table looking out the window and out of the corner of my eye i think i see him walking on the kitchen floor (even tho he is on the table right in front of me) and i realize its eduardo, the stray kitty. he just wandered into my kitchen to check things out
mistylwhite : are you trying to change the subject and calm me down with cute kitty stories?!
hezekial13 : no

FOUR: there are other people just like me and misty out there.
(from fluttergirl.com)
I had a dream the other night that I lived across the street from Chris Cornell and Susan Silver. I went outside to check my mail one afternoon and they were getting on their motorcycles to leave. Chris said they were going on a road trip and Susan invited me to go with them. I told them I didn't have a motorcycle. Susan said "That's ok, you can ride behind Chris!" Hell yeah! Best. Neighbors. EVAR.

FIVE:
discuss

look at it gleam! 

rockin' the gold tooth

this is my new gold tooth. remember when i went to the denist like 3 weeks ago and was all whining about losing my real tooth for a crown? well no more whining! i am IN LOVE with my gold tooth. it makes me feel all robotic or something.

i need to look at it again.

sigh.

look how the light refelcts off it. its all shiny and smooth.

the first thing i thought of while i was driving home from the dentist was that i was going to take a picture. so i came right home and got the camera out. i took several shots. i even thought to myself: can i use macro? why yes. yes. i can.

ok. one more thing

uh this is my new favorite link. its as if rappers took over wikipedia. its all wikipedi-ized.

check out interjections! yeah!

ok LAST thing.

this is my new stray cat. i call him eduardo. i have never seen him before and then last week he was just there. he might not be a stray because he seems too clean and he's not skinny at all. but he has no collar. wouldn't you throw a collar on your cat if you were going to let him out in the city? maybe he's chipped (thats such a milennium thing to say). but still, even if he was chipped you wouldn't want any neighborhood crooney (me, hahaha!) to just think your cat is available.

anyways, he's been hanging out on my back deck, lounging under my deck table or under my grill. i fed him shai (pronounced shy) kitty's food a few times so when i came out my back door he was all meeooooowwww! but shai kitty, fragile kitty that he is, is on perscription food and i can't be giving that shit out. so i went to cala and got eduardo some over the counter food and he's happy.

shai kitty is an indoor cat. i have him trained tho, so that when i have my back door open that he doesn't go running out. instead, if he gets excited and wants to look outside (at eduardo, say) instead of running to the wide open door he jumps to the window RIGHT NEXT to the wide open door. which just makes me laugh. poor guy. when i am outside playing with eduardo and i look up to the window there is shai-boy with his little kitty face all pressed to the screen. its like he's the bubble boy. (see pic above).

this morning i got woken up at 6:18am by shai excitedly running over the bed. seems that eudardo was now protecting his new found deck space from the "other" stray kitty in the area. (who incidentally was outside right at this moment and i almost had a pic! but OSK (other stray kitty) is really skittish and runs away very easily). anwyays, shai was all excited. its like a little kitty triumverate in my backyard.

goddammit!

so i says to misty: misty, i says, my unknown commenter said i won't sell bags that aren't bedazzled! and she says, oh that's ajax. and i said who? and she links me to his blog. Uhhhhhhggggggg...now i have to read the ENTIRE THING! this is seriously cutting into my wednesday afternoon nap.

so then i says to misty: misty, i says, did you see that pic of his kid further on down the blog where he's wearing a wife beater, cut off shorts, vans and a knot of hair? and i think it was at this moment when i realized i was describing my ex-boyfriend. hahahaha.

thank you! goodnight!

bag one...done!

so this is the "prototype" bag that i am "developing." hahaha. that makes me laugh. this bag is reversable and this is actually the inside. the outside is black denim (picture eventually). once i get my act together i would like to do some silk screening on the outside. uh, how about silk screening to order! i also plan to maybe break out the Bedazzler. just kidding, i don't actually own a Bedazzler, i DO own lots of things to make it look like i bedazzle. (of course if anyone owns one of these things, please lend it to me!) i might do some beadwork too! the possiblilities are almost endless. almost.

its strange because i have this fantasy that i will make bags and then i will get money. i'm kinda leaving out the inbetween stuff like, uh, actually selling them. right now i think my game plan will be to make a little stock and then put some on ebay and see what happens. does anyone have any ideas for me? i need to supplement my future unemployment check.

bag one!! 

this is the kinda retarded people at the lyrics born show. this guy came and stood RIGHT IN FRONT of misty. here she demonstrates how close... 

whats up with my rack!?!?

so...none of you really need to know this but its alarming AND disturbing to me that a mere one year ago my chest (measured with a measuring tape right over the girls -- for weightlifting's sake) was 33 inches. these days it's THIRTY-EIGHT inches. WTF!?!

i mean, i know i gained almost 20lbs this past year (frickin' anti-depressants!) and now that i've decided i'd rather be thin and miserable than fat and happy, i am furiously trying to get this weight off.

a few weeks ago misty came over and she gave me a hug and was like, uh, what's up with your chest? and i said, uh, it's gotten bigger and she was all, uh, yeah i could tell when i hugged you. and i was all, uh, really?

i mean the bonus is that i now have cleavage. i have never had this before. i'm not sure if i am really in to that. you have to understand. several times in my life i have been in the dressing room at victoria's secret trying on push up bras and man, they just scare the crap outta me! it really is a frightening experieince when you're not used to having boobs right under your chin.

uh...so the amazing race finale was good...

lyrics born

raise your hands in the air like you just don't care! wooo!

i love lyrics born. BUT i hate a white people audience trying to be black. ugh. maybe i was just crabby last night but i was just all over the map. i think i set the tone at the beginning of the evening when misty, natalie and i were standing in the willcall line and this blind homeless bum came up behind us (after we walked by and he told us we were beautiful). so he's standing there going on an on about how beautiful we are and i turned around and asked,

"are you blind?"
and he said (as he holds that pole that blind people use to feel what is in front of them), "yes."
and i said, "is that why i have a stick up my ass?"

i know! so bad. i'm going to hell. he totally loved it though and was dying. or maybe he was silently plotting my demise, but who cares. step off!

just kidding.

so we get inside and end up standing next to these totally loser girls. this one girl, kept looking over at me in a way that was so obviously, "you think you're all that." and i was like, whatever. then she stepped out of the crowd and i thought she left so i slid over into her spot and misty and natalie followed. but she came right back and pushed her way in next to me and i turned to misty and jokingly said, oh no she din't!! and right as i said that she pushed to right in front of me into the tiniest spot and then proceeded to do her stupid white girl who thinks she's black dance and all gettin' in my space, yo. and then i was really like, oh no she din't!! and i shoved her forward. HAHAHAHAHA. i love me. am i not like, in my extremely mid thirties?

you know, i really like pacific islanders. hahahah. that sounds so bad. but i'm talking in an...i can be attracted to the men kinda way. i usually don't go for ethnic-y guys. i mean i can appreciate the beauty etc, but its not for me. but PI's all. over. that. hello bass player. HOT.

as we were leaving and walking to misty's car, which incidentally was parked across the street from an awesome adult video store and this is like, the tenderloin so you know it ain't no yuppie sex store. up the street was a group of people beating the shit out of this BMW. it was the weirdest thing. they were screaming and yelling and hitting the car and throwing things at it. then these 2 white boys came running out of a bar and to the car. i thought they were going to stop the melee, but it turned out...it was their car! hhahaha! i don't know why that makes me laugh other than they looked like rich kids trying to be real in the seedy section of town for the night. anyways.

i'm off to pick up jem and her roommate and then we're going to the Exploratorium!

friday the 13th obstacle course

tomorrow the exploratorium has a friday the 13th obstacle course. here's the link to their calendar. check out the description!

anyways, i think i'm gonna head over there. who wants to come with me! i think you should all take the day off and we should have a margarita lunch and then check it out. okay okay, devils advocate over here.

what i did on my first day off

today i went to the gym STATUS QUO. it was arm day. i fucking hate arm day. i cry through it all...especially bicep curls.

then i went to the department of uh, what DOES the P and T stand for? i guess i wasn't expecting filler words in the acronym. i mean SFPD..right? yeah, got that one. is it department OF parking AND tickets? anyways, i FINALLY got a parking permit for my 'hood. i mean, i really can't be moving my car every two hours.

then i straightened my house up. not cleaning...just picking up.

then i made biscuits for lunch. i want biscuits EVERY DAY for lunch. soooo good. i sat out in the sun on my deck and ate them and desperately tried to stay away from the TV because Starting Over was on. i mean, i TiVo it so i don't have to watch it right at noon..but its. so. good. (ok i lie, i was totally gonna watch it but then realized it was the "special" episode where they focus on an issue and then compile bits from the last seasons while they teach you stuff about say, body image or the laws of love. today was the sexual abuse episode. snooozefest. so i decided to...)

...go for a walk. shai kitty needed advantage or advantix or whatever the hell it is. he doesn't go out but he STILL gets fleas and one tube lasts him the whole year. i mean the last time i gave it to him was i think in october (but only because i procrastinated...he shoulda got it sooner) and i am so not gonna fork out $40 for a whole package of that stuff. this pet store/beauty parlor on valencia sells them individually. and yes, i said pet store/beauty parlor. its the weirdest thing. i never see much business going on in the beauty parlor bit tho. maybe its just a front for their illegal advantage sales. -- on saturday willo and i were in the N (noe valley) and we stopped at a pet store and the guy was like, "dude, no. we don't do that anymore because the FDA (or whatever) came down hard and is like, fining businesses who sell that individually. the fine is like, $20,000." then he asked willo if she wanted a bag. willo looked down at her (possibly more than) ten cans of cat food and was like, uh. yeah. acutally she didn't say it like that. I said it like that in my head and she was all, "oh hahaha, yeah, hahaha i think it would be reaaaaally hard for me to carry all these back to my car." maybe misty is right. maybe growing up in boston has hardened us all.

i then futzed around in the discount fabric store on mission and assessed zipper lengths for this tote that i am developing (uh...in my head) then i came home. gosh i was soooo sleepy and a little hungry so i made a snack and succumbed to Starting Over and before i knew it, i was taking a nap!

that was my first day.

free fo' da weekend?!?!

uh, howabout free for the rest of my life?

i am following in the footsteps of batty AND belva and have just left the corporate crush. i am now the employable unemployed in this city where no one works. i have a huge plan that promises to be in place, the freedom to do it (alas not much money but, feh) and oh lordy...do i have time.

small steps first...and that will start with the gym tomorrow morning status quo.

i love me!

so now when i'm out at lyrics born on thursday i won't feel guilty that i am ruining my beauty sleep by staying up late and then having to drudge thru work the next day half-zombie-like because, uh, now every day is saturday! [TM]. yay!

even goths need love...

...and for some reason this is so sad to me. even in the highly specialized sub-culture of Goth, that there needs to be an online dating service.

it makes me feel like NO ONE is finding ANYONE in this world. that we are all sitting in front of our little screens with all our special ideals and expectations and criteria that we search through these social stratuspheres of myspace and friendster and match and tribe and jdate. sigh.

lindsi, an AWSOME woman i met in my Ladies Who Launch group predicts that the next big thing on the web is not only going to be social communities but social communities that actually DO something. that cause the members to interact. i *heart* lindsi. she is such a kick-ass woman, totally dominating a man's world of...er....something i can't remember. (so bad) let's just say she's practically a fucking physicist. because to me, she is, because it involves a lot of math. and NO i'm not retarded, math is just, like, incomprehensible to this art-minded brain. (ideally i would link a picture to some :art: i have created here but, yeah, its on a disk somewhere and this is wine #2.)

you know what...i love my backyard as i sit here at my kitchen table and write. its practically a jungle!

kid....(sigh) yet again

ok so i just realized that the recipient of my unrequited love (who is a record producer) did the hot hot heat cd, autolux AND the thrills. nevermind he did the jet cd, the new oasis, and some others i won't mention. um...love him! (in that unrequited love sort of way).

no really, we're "friends" now. i hear from him every once in a while when he's not so involved in his LA production lifestyle. hee. he would kill me if he heard me say that because he's from NY and is soooo brooklyn. he's just (so not) lived in LA for the last 6 years because he says that's where the work is. yeah, ok, whatever, kid. i know you like living in the hills and surfing before you go into the studio.

anyways, i'm happy to see he's working with some real talent now, instead of the dino-rockers and he should just ditch the facade and fess up and buy property in LA so he doesn't have to keep renting and wasting his money.

all the boys...

i've been noticing a trend within myself that is kinda disturbing. lately, i am more and more attracted to men in their 20's and then wheni see men in my own age group i'm like, eeew. what is this all about? it's scary AND creepy. and THAT is why i could never be a highschool teacher.

the other thing that i am also figuring out is, gosh...i'm really fucking picky. i've been thinking a lot about this lately since layne has joined the starting over cast. i mean, i haven't been engaged ever but, layne is picky just like me! her latest exercise was to go to a bar and start chatting up men (something she is uncomfortable with) and also, in additon to these men she is supposed to interact with, her Mr. Right was planted somewhere in the bar. he may embody all she wants as a pefect mate, but wasn't necessarily looking the part. so at one point, she engages him in converstaion and he hands her a card that says i'm Mr. Right and then he walks away and she just stands there and lets him go. she got yelled at for that by rhonda, her life coach. but anyways, my point is...because i have this criteria, how many times has mr. right been standing in front of me and i just let him walk away (or dumped him)?

i was also thinking about: when was it that i became so picky? i really wasn't in my 20's and that is evidenced by WHO i dated then. right now i am all, ohhh he needs to be tall, but in my 20's i never dated anyone over 6 feet. most of it is wrapped up in my own body image thing and i know that. the other part i blame on kid because he was the first guy ever who i sooo wanted but wasn't able to get and i feel like he colored all of my future wishes and wants (of course now i am just realizing that kid II was just history repeating itself...ugh *sniff*). and i think that, at both of those times, kid I & II were supposed to save me. at least that is how i am looking back at it, and they knew themselves that it wasn't their job. of course, in kid II's case, he kept asking me out and kinda tricked me into THINKING it was an actual relationship with possibilities, but whatever...that's not the point. heh.

so. picky. yeah. working on that and not really formulating any complete thoughts or realizations here. just recognizing that i need to take care of myself. of course it doesn't really help when i have dreams of me chasing someone and yelling: why don't you love me like i love you! uh...NICE...thanks sub-conscious for pointing that shit out.

in other news, i want to have a BBQ at my house. when should i have it? i want to have it asap! i have such a great backyard and want to spend time in it and i want people to share it with me! tell me when!